Nature! The ultimate bringdown. - BSG Crack!fic: Pop Divas After The End of the World

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August 8th, 2005


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10:33 am - BSG Crack!fic: Pop Divas After The End of the World
Title: Pop Divas After The End of the World
Fandom: BSG
Summary: That was the other thing about Britney: when she wasn't threatening to shoot you on sight, she was almost always really nice.

Um, I guess it's an AU version of "Resistance". With Britney Spears and Jessica Simpson, and not the *actual* people who showed up in the actual episode. Er. Yeah. Spoilers for "Resistance", I guess. Or, like, SANITY.





"What happened to Mandy Moore?"

"She died," Britney said, shortly. "Couldn't hack it."

Britney was cleaning her rifle with an old rag she'd carefully folded into a neat square. Every time a part of the mechanism was clean to her satisfaction, she'd refold the rag to expose a clean section. Kara found this to be oddly soothing. Across the bunkroom, Helo was staring at Jessica as she did crunches.

"What's his deal?" Britney nodded toward Helo. Kara noticed that she had about an inch of dark roots. Her hair was parted almost aggressively straight down the middle and knotted at her neck. Kara almost thought some kind of point was being made about the roots, but this was Britney Spears--

"His deal?"

"Yeah, is he into Jessica, or what?"

Kara watched Helo watching Jessica for a moment. Helo had the slightly dumb glazed look he got when he was thinking about sex.

"Probably," she said. Britney smirked.

"She's a lesbian," she said.

"She is?"

"Yeah."

"But-- what about Nick, and Newlyweds, and--?"

"Shit, Kara," Britney said, sounding a little annoyed, "it's the end of the world. Let it go."

She finished cleaning her rifle in silence, and left the room with it. Kara remembered the old chant from her very first days at the academy: This is my rifle. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

The way Britney touched her gun made Kara uncomfortable. People who loved instruments of death that much were dangerous to be around, and she should know. She was one of them.

Across the room, Jessica finished her crunches and stood to leave. Kara thought she might be following Britney; the way Jessica looked at the other girl reminded her a lot of the way Helo used to watch Sharon--

She didn't want to think of that.

"Helo," she snapped.

Helo's gaze became a little less dumb as he looked back at her.

"What?"

"She's a lesbian," Kara said.

"That's hot," Helo said, dreamily. "But what about Nick Lachey?"

"Maybe he was a Cylon and you can bond over falling for the wrong people," Kara said, and found a spare bunk to crash in.

***

Kara and Helo heard rustling in the woods while trying to find their location on the outdated map. Well, Kara did. Helo was probably thinking about his pregnant toaster girlfriend.

"Helo," Kara said. "You hear that?"

"Shit," he replied, and reached for his sidearm.

"Don't do that, y'all," a female voice said, and Kara felt a gun pressed to her head.

They turned slowly and saw two blonde girls at the front of a ragtag group of might-be-humans.

"You're--"

The smaller of the two girls cut Helo off. "It's a bad time to be sneaking around Caprica. Who are you?"

"If we're sneaking, so're you," Kara said. "Who are you?"

"Lighter on my feet than you are," the smaller one said. The taller one smiled sweetly and cocked her gun in the general direction of Helo's head.

"You're Jessica Simpson," Helo said.

"Why, I most certainly am," Jessica said, and smiled brightly. It was sort of creepy. "And that's Britney Spears."

"Hi," Britney said, unsmiling. "Who the frak are you and how did you survive?"

"We're pilots-- military. How did you survive?" Kara has a hard time believing that two little girls led a group of survivalist hikers through the attacks when the entire Colonial military was crushed.

"We were filming a special for CapricaTV," Britney said. "On The Road Again; The Pop Princesses Hit The Highway Reunion."

"It was a reality show with us and Mandy Moore," Jessica added helpfully. "We were up in the mountains working with the Forest Service, taping the third episode."

"Yeah? How do I know you're not Cylons?"

Britney laughed at her. "How do I know you're not Cylons?"

"Frak you," Kara said.

"Frak you," Britney replied, and Jessica stopped smiling.

"Hey--" Helo said.

"Shut up," Jessica said, without looking at him. Kara and Britney stared at each other for a second, and apparently Britney decided something, because she nodded and lowered her weapon.

"He's too dumb-looking to be a Cylon," she told Kara.

"Hey!" Helo said.

"C'mon. We've got a base camp up in the hills."

***

Jessica still blew her hair out every three days, and her nails were perfectly manicured. She dressed in the same cobbled-together outfits as everyone else, wearing military-issue pants and a service-worker's shirt with "Otis" embroidered over the pocket, but Kara was pretty sure that her clothes had been subtly altered to make her look curvaceous instead of boxy.

It made people underestimate her. It made Helo underestimate her, and when Kara first saw Jessica kick the living shit out of him, she almost couldn't believe it.

"Don't mess with Texas, y'all!" Jessica said, one foot on Helo's throat. She grinned flirtatiously at him and flipped her hair. "You yield, honey?"

Helo made a strangled sound, and Jessica let him up. Helo stopped watching her do crunches after that. It took a long time for the bruises to fade.

Kara found Jessica kind of terrifying. She thought that maybe she'd gone insane during the attacks; a lot of people had. There was a hiker survivalist named Karen among the resistance who had watched her husband die and talked to herself a lot. But Jessica wasn't insane like that. It was a special, shiny kind of insane, and Kara made sure she didn't turn her back on her.

Kara went to see Britney, and found her engaged in cleaning a gun. A different one than the one Kara usually saw her with, though.

She was never quite sure if Britney was the group's leader or not; no one ever said, and Britney didn't exactly order people around. Mostly she said things like "I'm going to run up on the ridge and see if the fire station has any meds we can use" and then other people decided to go with her. It made Kara very uncomfortable.

(She was pretty sure that would have made Lee laugh, because even though he thought he wasn't very military, he was. And Kara was not. She wouldn't have thought the lack of a clear command structure would make her feel weird, but there it was.)

"Britney," Kara said.

"Kara," Britney said. "How are you?"

That was the other thing about Britney: when she wasn't threatening to shoot you on sight, she was almost always really nice. Kara thought it had to be an act, but it still creeped her out. When you first saw Britney in the morning, she'd ask how you'd slept. It was weird.

"Yeah," Kara said. "Listen, Helo and I gotta get back to the Galactica. We're going to have to hit an airbase, see if we can't get our hands on a Raider, or at least a Raptor."

Britney began to reassemble the gun. She did it without looking at her hands.

"How do you know how do that?" Kara asked. "I mean-- you were-- you were Britney Spears. How can you put a gun together, blind? That's not even possible."

"I'm from Louisiana," Britney said, darkly, and that was it, that was the entire answer, or all of it she was going to get.

"Well," Kara said. "Anyway. Any chance we can borrow some ammo?"

"I'll put together a team," Britney said. "Tomorrow afternoon okay to leave?"

"You don't have to--"

"Kara," Britney said, not unkindly, "I'm giving you a frakking gift. Don't be a bitch about it."

"Thanks," Kara finally said.

Britney hands her the gun. "Here. I adjusted the trigger-- I saw that you like a firm grip on your weapons."

Kara started laughing, and couldn't stop. "Sorry," she wheezed. "I'm sorry. It's just--"

Britney wasn't even smiling. "I'll see you tomorrow, Thrace."

***

That night, Kara heard Jessica singing. Someone had brought a guitar back from a foraging run, and was accompanying Jessica in a Geminon folk song about a girl who ran away with a privateer. Jessica actually had a nice voice, Kara realized, when she wasn't caterwauling about true, true love. More and more people drifted into the courtyard to listen.

"You're sure she's a lesbian?" Helo said, from beside her. They stood, watching the little knot surrounding the guitarist and Jessica.

A second voice joined in, singing in harmony. It was a small, soft voice, and they had to be quiet to hear it. It sounded almost nothing like the Britney songs Kara remembered hearing on the radio.

"Wow, they must really mix the shit out of her, huh?"

"Shut up, Helo," Kara said, and strained to hear the second verse. Britney was standing on one of the second-story balconies, her voice lilting the high notes into the night, and as soon as the song was over, she went back inside, and the small crowd dissipated.

Kara went to bed.

The next day, by dusk, Britney and a fire team of a dozen resistance fighters had escorted them to the airbase, cut a hole in the fence, and got them all the way across the tarmac and into a Raider.

"Centurions," one of the fighters warned. A group of the metal Cylons approached from the hangar buildings.

"All right," Britney said. "You cool?"

"Thanks," Kara offered, awkwardly. It didn't seem like a big enough thing to say for something like this. Britney shrugged.

"So long, Thrace," she said and spun about. Kara watched as Britney and her fire team set off at a rapid jog toward the fence.

They'll never make it, she thought, starting up the Raider's systems.

But just as the Cylons came within firing range, Britney's team wheeled in formation, executed a flawless step-ball-change, and began to lay down covering fire as the fighters ducked under the fence one by one. Britney waited until last.

"This is for Mandy!" Kara heard her scream, as a Cylon exploded. Then Britney spun, did a back flip, ducked under the fence, and vanished into the gathering dark.

"That was frakked up," Helo said. Kara didn't disagree.

~fin~
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Comments:


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[User Picture]
From:reginaspina
Date:August 8th, 2005 05:37 pm (UTC)
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You are completely insane :) Heeee! I love how the only explanation for Britney is "I'm from Louisiana." EXCELLENT!!
[User Picture]
From:meyerlemon
Date:August 8th, 2005 05:40 pm (UTC)
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:-p

LOL! I'm ashamed that the contents of my brain spilled out like that, but oh well.
[User Picture]
From:spoonishly
Date:August 8th, 2005 05:38 pm (UTC)
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I am terrified that you got the characterizations of Jessica and Britney down to a science.

DUDE OMG YOU WROTE IT.

*fangirls*
[User Picture]
From:meyerlemon
Date:August 8th, 2005 05:40 pm (UTC)
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BWAHA! Now everyone knows that I'm even weirder than they thought. :-p
[User Picture]
From:themoon72
Date:August 8th, 2005 05:45 pm (UTC)
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I nominate this for the best fan-fic ever!!

I'm still laughing and dodging the weird looks from my neighbors here at work.

This is my favorite part:

"This is for Mandy!" Kara heard her scream, as a Cylon exploded. Then Britney spun, did a back flip, ducked under the fence, and vanished into the gathering dark.

"That was frakked up," Helo said. Kara didn't disagree.

And also that Jessica was a lesbian and could kick Helo's ass.

I could go on and on and on......but I can't type for all the giggling!!!
[User Picture]
From:meyerlemon
Date:August 8th, 2005 05:52 pm (UTC)
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I know-- it's *awful*. I can't believe I wrote it. :-p
[User Picture]
From:morwen_peredhil
Date:August 8th, 2005 05:49 pm (UTC)
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*backs away slowly*
[User Picture]
From:meyerlemon
Date:August 8th, 2005 05:52 pm (UTC)
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LOL!

I know. I'm very sorry.
[User Picture]
From:life_on_queen
Date:August 8th, 2005 05:55 pm (UTC)
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*laughs uncontrollably*

But just as the Cylons came within firing range, Britney's team wheeled in formation, executed a flawless step-ball-change,

*laughs harder*

Britney, Jessica and their back-up dancers of doom!
[User Picture]
From:meyerlemon
Date:August 8th, 2005 05:57 pm (UTC)
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:-p

Yeah. I don't know, either.
[User Picture]
From:nakedtoes
Date:August 8th, 2005 06:04 pm (UTC)
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OMG, I love this! My favourite lines:

But Jessica wasn't insane like that. It was a special, shiny kind of insane, and Kara made sure she didn't turn her back on her.

Because her shininess terrifies me!
[User Picture]
From:meyerlemon
Date:August 8th, 2005 06:17 pm (UTC)
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Hee! She is quite scary, I agree.
[User Picture]
From:raffaella
Date:August 8th, 2005 06:16 pm (UTC)
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Now that was evil! Particularly this:

But just as the Cylons came within firing range, Britney's team wheeled in formation, executed a flawless step-ball-change, and began to lay down covering fire as the fighters ducked under the fence

This isn't actually much more implausible than the surviving pyramid team. These people are focused, right? or something. And I love that Helo is still a sweet dumbass. :)
[User Picture]
From:meyerlemon
Date:August 8th, 2005 07:20 pm (UTC)
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I'm thinking that if you've been on tour with Britney, you could kick the Caprican Buccaneers' asses, man. Hee!
[User Picture]
From:walkingdaydream
Date:August 8th, 2005 06:19 pm (UTC)
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Oh. My. God. (In a good way.)
[User Picture]
From:meyerlemon
Date:August 8th, 2005 07:20 pm (UTC)
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I know. I apologize. It's crazy.
[User Picture]
From:liminalliz
Date:August 8th, 2005 06:24 pm (UTC)
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"I'm from Louisiana," Britney said, darkly, and that was it, that was the entire answer, or all of it she was going to get.
OMG. FAVORITE LINE EVER. And made it all too believable. ::winks::

Omg, this is totally more plausible than Kara and Helo meeting the Spurs the mighty bucs.
[User Picture]
From:meyerlemon
Date:August 8th, 2005 07:20 pm (UTC)
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The Spurs! LOL!
[User Picture]
From:maddeinin
Date:August 8th, 2005 06:49 pm (UTC)
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OMG I LOVE YOU!

Jesus. Best fic ever. I've never read RPF before, and I don't even feel the slightest bit dirty after this. Just a bit weepy from all the laughing.
[User Picture]
From:vflick
Date:August 8th, 2005 06:57 pm (UTC)
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Hi there,

You don't know me, but, that was GREAT!! LOL.

I can't believe no one else has pointed it out yet:

was accompanying Jessica in a Geminon folk song about a girl who ran away with a privateer.

Bwahahahahaha! (Yes, I did evilly, lurkingly read your pirate story too... *G*)
[User Picture]
From:meyerlemon
Date:August 8th, 2005 07:06 pm (UTC)
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Yay! Someone got the reference! :-p
[User Picture]
From:raindroproses
Date:August 8th, 2005 08:05 pm (UTC)
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I loved the entire story--it was complete crack-fic--but my favorite part was the beginning.

"What happened to Mandy Moore?"

"She died," Britney said, shortly. "Couldn't hack it."


I don't know why that amused me more than anything else, but it did. *grin*
[User Picture]
From:meyerlemon
Date:August 8th, 2005 08:05 pm (UTC)
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Hee! Poor, poor Mandy. :-p
[User Picture]
From:dangermousie
Date:August 8th, 2005 08:37 pm (UTC)
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No ifs or buts. This is the best BSG fic, period.

*is off, dying in the corner*
[User Picture]
From:meyerlemon
Date:August 8th, 2005 08:41 pm (UTC)
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Awww, thanks! Maybe I'll win some kind of "Best BSG story with pop singers" award! :-p
[User Picture]
From:cbackson
Date:August 8th, 2005 09:46 pm (UTC)
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So much crackheaded greatness that I can´t pick it all out here. However, I would pay to see this:
"Don't mess with Texas, y'all!" Jessica said, one foot on Helo's throat. She grinned flirtatiously at him and flipped her hair. "You yield, honey?"


[User Picture]
From:meyerlemon
Date:August 8th, 2005 09:47 pm (UTC)
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OMG I totally ripped that off from the Dukes of Hazzard. :-p

Er, I mean, I was inspired. Yes.
[User Picture]
From:1fishscreaming
Date:August 8th, 2005 10:49 pm (UTC)
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Sadly, this kinda works.

Because out of all the pop princesses I'd say Jessica and Britney are the two who could use a gun.
[User Picture]
From:meyerlemon
Date:August 8th, 2005 10:54 pm (UTC)
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Although I bet that, push come to shove, JLo can beat people up. :-p
[User Picture]
From:bantha_fodder
Date:August 9th, 2005 12:44 am (UTC)
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Yay! I knew it would work! This is so cool.
[User Picture]
From:meyerlemon
Date:August 9th, 2005 08:42 am (UTC)
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Well, if by "cool" you mean "...er, that's fucked up!"
[User Picture]
From:lesbiassparrow
Date:August 9th, 2005 01:01 am (UTC)
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This is classic, quality fiction. And I'd totally read RPF if it was all this good. But I'm too scared to find out.

I'm off now to wipe a tear away for that fallen soldier, Mandy Moore.
[User Picture]
From:meyerlemon
Date:August 9th, 2005 08:50 am (UTC)
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LOLOL!

Poor, poor Mandy.

I'm totally concerned that I'll be writing Viggo/Orlando now. Watch out.
[User Picture]
From:endlessdeep
Date:August 9th, 2005 01:43 am (UTC)
(Link)
"Maybe he was a Cylon and you can bond over falling for the wrong people," Kara said, and found a spare bunk to crash in.

OMG I love this line. It's so Kara.

Kara went to see Britney, and found her engaged in cleaning a gun. A different one than the one Kara usually saw her with, though.

Well that's suggestive. snerk

"I'm from Louisiana," Britney said, darkly, and that was it, that was the entire answer, or all of it she was going to get.

Bwahahahahahaa!

Did I ever tell you about the scrapbooking class I took and the lady who taught it was Britney Spears aunt? They despair of the way she dresses. hee
That was really fun to read. Great job. :)
[User Picture]
From:meyerlemon
Date:August 9th, 2005 08:51 am (UTC)
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No! That's crazy! Britney Spears' aunt teaches scrapbooking? I love it. :)
[User Picture]
From:wildtiger7
Date:August 9th, 2005 02:15 am (UTC)
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"He's too dumb-looking to be a Cylon," she told Kara.

Britney would know, wouldn't she?

Also, I am terrified.
[User Picture]
From:meyerlemon
Date:August 9th, 2005 08:51 am (UTC)
(Link)
:-p
[User Picture]
From:widget285
Date:August 9th, 2005 03:45 am (UTC)
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Hee! Your crack is way better than Ron Moore's crack! Excellent!

Poor Helo; that boy never catches a break does he?

*snicker*
[User Picture]
From:meyerlemon
Date:August 9th, 2005 08:52 am (UTC)
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Hee! Well, if you write about professional sports teams, people will revolt.
[User Picture]
From:vaudevilles
Date:August 9th, 2005 09:58 am (UTC)

Insanity and wondrousness

(Link)
That was hil-frakin-larious fabulousness on a stick.

Can I friend you? I'm a losing-my-grip-on-the-cliff-of-developing-BSG-obsession fanfic lover... In fact, that fic just tipped me into freefall...
[User Picture]
From:meyerlemon
Date:August 9th, 2005 11:15 am (UTC)

Re: Insanity and wondrousness

(Link)
Aw, thanks! (Or-- I'm sorry?)

Of course, no need to ask! You might want to read the user info to be informed of my various irritating habits, first. :)
[User Picture]
From:sabaceanbabe
Date:August 9th, 2005 01:41 pm (UTC)
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I can't even put into words how much I loved this. OMG.
[User Picture]
From:elly427
Date:August 10th, 2005 05:21 am (UTC)
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But-- what about Nick, and Newlyweds, and--?"

"Shit, Kara," Britney said, sounding a little annoyed, "it's the end of the world. Let it go."


*DIES* That is fucking perfect.
[User Picture]
From:livilla
Date:September 8th, 2005 08:08 am (UTC)
(Link)
Jesus. How the hell did I miss this? *loves like whoa* This is the best thing ever.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'm so glad I went on a fic search.

But what happened to Cletus Kevin Federline? Went the way of Many Moore? *snerk*
[User Picture]
From:starryniteynite
Date:October 9th, 2005 05:45 am (UTC)
(Link)
Hi! So I've been lurking in BSG LJ land for a while now, but this fic totally broke my "no, no, you should not join the insanity" self-control.

See, I went to school with Jessica Simpson...and I have no problems whatsoever with picturing her surviving the apocalypse, joining a band of mercenaries, and kicking Helo's ass, all while maintaining a perfect manicure.

Crack!fic indeed...

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